Driving Miss Crazy - Part 2

I’ve had my motorbike now for a little over a week. In that time, I have nearly met my maker at least a dozen times. For a few of those instances, I was undoubtedly at fault and fully admit to my lack of driving abilities, especially that of a semi-automatic motorbike. However, ninety percent of the near fatalities that I have nearly been involved with, have been the result of bad Thai drivers. The English Dictionary defines a stereotype as, “a widely held but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or thing.” I’d argue it’s not a stereotype if it’s true, but I also realize my own biases. Therefore, I will simply state that based on my own personal experiences with drivers in Northern Thailand, most of the drivers have no business being behind the wheel of a bicycle, let alone an automobile.

In their defense, I would argue that the bad driving in Thailand is a cultural thing. In Thailand, there is no set driver’s license or driving test to determine that you are able to drive a motorbike or automobile, at least not one that is mandated by the local authorities. Most of my friends back in the states are baffled that I never had to take a formal driving test, behind the wheel, with an instructor, at the Illinois Division of Motor Vehicles (DMV). According to some, this is why I am a horrible driver. Well, my dear friends please imagine a culture where the DMV does not exist! The age in which you start driving is two-fold; 1) when you can reach the clutch and break, while also maintaining a nearly clear view over the handlebars; 2) when you can afford your own motorbike. That’s it! There are no “Rules of the Road” to memorize, or formal test to pass, or even driver’s education course. Once you are physically able – on the road you go!

Speaking of “Rules of the Road,” we all received a little booklet when we first started learning to drive. It included common traffic signals, how to use your hands to manually signal a left or right turn, railroad safety, and a host of other things that are now commonplace with most drivers on the road (and frankly, I don’t remember the rest). Here, from what I can tell, the “Rules of the Road” are – There are no rules of the road! And I repeat this ten-fold if you are on a motorbike. I have seen motorbikes go the wrong way down a one-way street. I have seen motorbikes go through the market. I have seen motorbikes go around road construction brigades, because it was shorter than turning around a few feet further down the road. I have seen motorbikes that function as a traveling food stand for a street vendor. I have seen motorbikes going 90kmh down the highway without so much as a helmet, let alone long sleeves, closed-toed shoes, or pants. I have seen motorbikes with entire families packed on them. I’m talking extended family – father, mother, at least 3 children, grandmother, grandfather, a dog, and sometimes even another random relative or two – all packed on a Honda Dream headed to work, or quite possibly their own funeral. It’s anyone’s guess, really. That’s the best part about it all – no one is wearing a helmet, or if there is a helmet being worn, it is only the driver because that’s the “law”. If you think that’s a full motorbike, you should see it if they own a pick-up truck. It’s at least 75 to 80 people packed in the back, on the roof, or in the cab, including children and babies. Either way, they are definitely doing their part for the environment, so kudos to them.

In all this driving chaos, one might ask, where are the police? Well, occasionally you will get stopped on the road. The checkpoints usually include a couple of officers, all armed with semi-automatic machine guns. They are usually out during the day, and on major highways looking to stop drug trafficking. In the city, you will have the occasional helmet checkpoint, and this is usually at night. Otherwise, the police direct traffic at the busy intersections during rush-hours, but this does not stop people from going left on red, or right for that matter. As long as you’re on a motorbike – it’s anyone’s course really. The local Ferang gave me these words of wisdom as I began my motorbike mayhem:

ALWAYS wear your helmet!
Always carry your passport and motorbike registration with you when driving.
If an officer stops you, speak in English, it intimidates them.
It is O.K. to drive drunk, just don’t have any alcohol on you.

I guess you could argue these are my “Rules of the Road” – Thailand Style. And another good thing, this is my second driver’s liscence obtained without taking a driving test – score!