Motorcycle Drive By

Alone. It’s a scary thing to be alone, and something most of us aren’t faced with too often. In my US culture, I was in a perpetual state of motion – doing and going – but never being. Part of the reason I decided to come to Thailand as an instructor for ELL students is because it would give me the chance to be alone. Some people might find it weird that I, or anyone for that matter, would purposefully seek out opportunities to be alone. Especially when the opportunity requires you to be in a foreign land, with an unfamiliar culture and language. Miles away from the familiar, my tried and true safety net, I find myself in just such a place. For the first time in my life, I am truly alone. No one truly knows me, and what’s worse – I wonder if I truly know myself.
I am the tallest man for miles. Walking through the streets, and shopping at the markets, I feel people staring. The stares are mixed with emotions; sometimes the stare is from a local “lady boy” who looks on lustfully; sometimes the stare is from a local merchant who realizes I have no idea how to haggle with prices; other times the stares are from a food vendor who slowly explains the dishes they’ve prepared for selling. The worst part about it all though, knowing that I am of the minority. I don’t look like any of the people in the crowd, and what’s worse – I stick out sorely in every crowd. For the first time in my life, being white and male does not carry the same advantages it once did. Blending in is not an option based on my physical appearance. I am living in a culture where I do not know the language, and for the most part, the natives do not know my language either. Those that do know my language do not understand my culture, my humor, my past, or even how to pronounce my name. And though I try to explain this to you, it’s not a feeling you’ll understand until you’ve been in the same situation to experience it for yourself. If I weren’t experiencing it for myself, I would not know how to empathize with someone in my situation.
Over the course of the month leading up to my departure, I have cried more than I have cumulatively over the course of my life. I’m thankful for these tears that have come. Some were tears of pain, sorrow, and heartache; but some were tears of joy, laughter, of peace with the past, and hope for the future. These tears are my time alone, my time to connect with myself, and my time to become the best person possible. I sit alone with my tears because it is now that I feel most alive. It’s time for me and the time is now.

Motorcycle Drive By – Third Eye Blind
Wake Up Alone – Amy Winehouse
Walk This Earth Alone – Lauren Christy
Alone – Mary J. Blige ft. Dave Young
The District Sleeps Alone Tonight – The Postal Service
Never Leave Your Heart Alone – Butterfly Boucher
I Get Lonely – Janet Jackson
What’s Up Lonely – Kelly Clarkson
I’m Scared – Duffy
If You’re Not Scared – K’s Choice
Will I – Rent
Tomorrow – Avril Lavigne
Say (All I Need) – OneRepublic