The Martyr in Me

I want to apologize to those of you who are avid readers and subscribers of my blog. Lately, I have been lacking the motivation, creativity, and experiences that usually prompt me to write about my new found existence in this strange side of the world. I’d like to say I’ve been too busy to write, but I highly doubt that will ever be the case. If there is one thing I have here in Thailand – it’s time, and plenty of it! I guess my only excuse lies in the fact that I have been very focused on finishing this semester, and all energy has been exerted in that direction. To date, I have exactly 2 weeks left of classroom teaching. After I finish classroom teaching, I have a week of speaking and listening exams, followed by a week of final exams. Once that concludes, I will be off for a month – the whole month of October, to be exact!

I began to think about this upcoming break in October. At first, I thought I was a bad teacher because I have the same level of excitement for the break, as I did for the start of the school year. As I thought about it more, a few things dawned on me. For starters, I thought about my new position as an English teacher here in Thailand. I won’t lie, my job is not difficult. I probably work an average of 30-35 hours per week, which includes about 20 hours of classroom time. What makes my job difficult, is the fact that I am in a constant state of “on” when I have to teach. You want to be exhausted, try engaging a group of students in activities where you are the only one in the room who fully comprehends what you are trying to convey. Jokes only sometimes translate, but for the most part the students only laugh at your ability to be animated. God-bless my ability to speak with my face! The students don’t know what you’re saying, they simply find you entertaining. As if that wasn’t draining enough, I have to constantly search for ways to present different concepts. There is nothing worse than standing in front of a class full of students with a lesson plan that has FAILED! Which is exactly what will happen with your students on the final if you don’t think of a new way to explain the information. What also adds to that frustration, is when you have to think of different words in order to explain the same concept, idea, principle, word, instructions, or thing. Add to that, the cultural differences between me and my students, and it has the ability to become a waking nightmare. I have probably lost you, so let me provide you with a bit of an example. I am teaching colors – Red, the color of an apple. Well, imagine a culture where an apple isn’t a predominant fruit, and the apples aren’t usually red. Needless to say, I am standing in front of my students grasping for various fruits that they readily identify with from their culture. Over the course of the semester I have learned to think on my toes, and turn on a dime with my lesson plans. However, that still doesn’t make it any less mentally draining.

Another thing that lessened my pangs of guilt over my joy for the October break, was the idea that I have not had a vacation in close to 3 years – and when I did, it was nowhere close to a full month. My last vacation was with my brother in December, 2005, when we went to the Bahamas for a week. That was nearly 3 years ago. I will have the entire month to do with as I please. A whole month of paid vacation, in which to travel and do whatever my heart desires. That is nearly 3 pent-up years of no time off; writing papers, conducting research, reflecting, reading texts on theory and practice, reflecting, practicum, reflecting, and internship. Did I mention reflecting? I’m so lost on the concept of a month with nothing to do, that I am actually unsure of what I will do with my vacation time in October.

At the moment I have planned to pack nothing but my NorthFace backpack, and head south. I know that I am in desperate need of a beach. Imagine living in a country where it feels like you’re at the beach every day – the sun beats down on you, you are constantly wearing flip-flops, you can be guaranteed to find a drink any time of the day, but there’s not an ocean, sand, or large body of water to be found for miles. It’s quite a perplexing paradox. I will keep you posted on my travel plans for the month of October, but in all honesty, it will probably be even a surprise to me. I’m headed South, that’s the only definitive plans I have at the moment. And for the first time in my life – I’m fine with the ambiguity, uncertainty, and freedom of it all. The only thing I know is – I won’t make myself out to be the Martyr anymore.