Going Green Vs. Granola Gay

It wasn’t until the other day that it finally hit me – it was the simplest of activities, but my reactions have completely changed since being here. I was getting ready to go on a run, and grabbed the last banana that was sitting on the top of my fridge. The yellow fruit was purchased from the market but a few days ago. As you can imagine, the heat of Thailand helps to ripen things at an exponential rate. The once-ripe banana was beginning to soften, and I knew that if I didn’t eat it soon, I’d be taking it to the smoothie lady to make into a shake. As I was beginning to peel it, I noticed an ant crawling on the side. After peeling the top half of the banana, I noticed about a half dozen or so ants inside the peel and on the banana. Nothing is safe from the ants here – nothing! Wouldn’t you know it, right then my banana splits in two and the peeled top half falls to the floor. I scoop it up. Giving it a glance, I am pleased to find that most of the ants have since fallen off. What’s more, the banana has not accumulated any noticeable debris from the floor – I popped it in my mouth. That’s right – I ate from the floor of my apartment! That’s not the worst of it – this whole process took only a matter of seconds to happen. Not once did I think, “oh, my banana is ruined!” It wasn’t ruined when it hit the floor, and it wasn’t ruined because it had ants on it. I was not keen on eating the ants, but they would have been disguised by the overwhelming taste of the banana. It was at this point that I truly began to think about my status of “granola gay” here in Thailand, and I began to look back at the other things I’ve started to do that would seem uncharacteristic of me.

Since my arrival in Thailand, I have found myself “going green;” not necessarily for the sake of saving the environment, but to save myself some green – Baht, that is. We all know the term “going green.” It’s a huge part of popular western culture, which includes recycling, hybrid SUV’s, and my personal favorite, the reduction of plastic bags by using canvas totes.

In today’s western culture, the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and trans-gendered (LGBT) community has been stereotyped as being obsessed with image, physique, partying, and of course, labels, labels, labels! To be fair, this is the stereotype that can be widely associated with gay men. A “granola gay” is a very small sub-set of the gay culture. A “granola gay” is someone who thinks cotton is a label; insists that the greatest scent ever invented is lavender or patchouli; has hair that is either wildly disheveled or way too simple; and their choice of foot apparel is something that is function over fashion – ideally made by Merrell, Birkenstock, or Chaco. To over simplify the definition, it will suffice to say that a “granola gay” is a modern day gay hippie – the counter-culture of mainstream Gay USA.

After my first month of being here, I received my monthly “bill” for living in the BS Apartments. I use the term “bill” rather loosely, as my monthly statement is the equivalent of someone writing their telephone number down on a napkin at a bar, and you referring to this as your “phone book.” In any case, I received my bill for the month and was nearly blown away. My monthly rent is 3,500 Baht ($100). Sounds like a bargain when you’re making upwards of 40-50K US Dollars each year. Take a moment to remember that I am living and working on the Thai Baht. My expense for rent each month is about 15% of my income. Has this changed your perspective any? Fine, 15% -- I can swing that, just let me know who I need to pay. Oh, I wish it were that easy. Instead, I am also charged for water and electricity, as well as the price of laundry. With these additional expenditures, my monthly bill has increased to 5,400 Baht ($156). I’m told there is a “system” to calculating electricity and water for apartment buildings, but that it is at a much higher rate than single family homes in Thailand. Not sure why, but this is what I’m told by fellow Ferrang and Thais alike. With that, no one can tell me the specifics of how they calculate these raping rates – it’s anyone’s guess, really.

After paying the previous month’s staggering bill, I decided I needed to make some serious life changes. First thing to go – the Air Conditioning. For the first few months of living here, I was using my AC like a hooker uses red rouge. It ran day and night, keeping my apartment so cold that I could have rented it out during the day as a meat locker. Come to think of it, that would have been a great way to supplement my rent. But alas, I decided to forego the modern amenity and have since discontinued using my AC. That’s right, I have learned to sleep in the Thailand heat with nothing more than two open windows and an electric osolating fan. The only solace I find is that I have screens which do a relatively good job of keeping most bugs and wild life outside. I have the usual nighttime guests at my inn, including an occasional cockroach, ants galore, and geckos. We usually sleep in our separate quarters, except for the ants who seem to always want to curl up with me in bed. You read that correctly, I’ve learned to have ants and other small bugs crawl on me while I’m sleeping. Going green or granola gay?

With my electricity bill declining at an exponential rate, my next goal was to decrease my amount of water usage. This is where I had to become a little bit more creative. Adopting an old camping term, I learned – “if it’s yellow, let it mellow; if it’s brown, flush it down!” That’s right, one of the ways I have learned to reduce the my amount of water is by not flushing my toilet after each use. It can become a bit gamey in there, and I usually flush the toilet at the end of each day. However, I have learned to get creative even when flushing my toilet. Remember the bucket that I use to cover the drain in my shower, so as to avoid water bugs and cockroaches from joining me and my rubber ducky for bath time? Well, I have learned to collect the water I use from my shower in the bucket, and then I reuse that cleverly collected shower water to flush the toilet. I think you can adequately say that my bathroom has a unique odor all its own. Going green or granola gay?

Finally there was the issue of laundry, and how to bring this cost down. I brought this topic to a few of my fellow expats one evening while sitting at the Riverside. An older gent from London began to tell me about his first few years here in Thailand and how he washed his clothes by hand in the sink of his bathroom. He began to explain the simplicity of it, at which point I stopped him mid-sentence. I began to tell him about my obsession with laundry. I will mark my life’s success when I have in-unit washer and dryer. Until then, I hinge my daily cleanliness on the fact that I do not watch the laundry ladies wash my clothes here at BS Apartments. I’m positive they aren’t using the Kenmore Elite front-loading washing machine that can handle 400 pairs of size 22 denim jeans, on the super-duper sanitary cycle. However, I simply ignore this aspect of my life. Upon the return of my laundry, I don’t ask questions like, why my pants still have stains on them, or why my ‘whites’ are more of a tan. I receive my clothes back from the laundry lady, and I assume they are ‘clean’. If I had to actually do my own laundry in the sink of my bathroom, I would know my clothes weren’t clean. And if that happens, I wouldn’t be able to live with nightly guests in my apartment, while sleeping without air conditioning and covered in bugs. I would sooner make my own clothes from scratch, textile weave and all, before I hand wash my clothes. I would sooner go commando, as opposed to being stooped over a bucket, beating my calvins with a stick. A granola gay has to draw the line somewhere – my line includes the laundry line.

I came home today and received my September bill for PS Apartments. I almost fell off my Flip-Flops! The bill was surprisingly only 4,030 Baht. That’s only 530 Baht more than it’s supposed to be – all because of the laundry I had them wash during the month. I guess all of my dedication to going green or being granola gay, has finally paid off. I saved myself nearly 1,000 Baht ($29.25). I immediately went upstairs, turned on the AirCon and flushed the toilet – I deserved it!